Betrayal of Trust

How to let go and move on when someone you trusted burns you bad.

No matter the type of relationship, be it romantic, friendly, or between parent and child, an essential ingredient is trust. Trust defines every interaction in a relationship, it builds intimacy and it strengthens bonds. Without trust no relationship can thrive. Unfortunately people don’t always cherish trust the way that they should. Because it is often given freely at first it is also easily taken for granted. When trust has been damaged it can spell doom for a relationship and it can be very hard, if not impossible, to earn back.
Whether or not trust can ever be restored depends on how badly it was damaged and how much the spurned person feels betrayed. If you’ve had your trust betrayed then you know how hard it can be to let go, move on and fix the relationship. More often than not the burned person just wants to cut their losses and end the relationship, and who could blame them? But if you do want to repair the damage, if you want to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust, there are some steps you need to follow. While the person who damaged the trust has their work cut out for them in earning it back the person who was hurt also has a job to do. So how do you move past a major burn and put things back on track? It’s hard but it can be done and these three pointers can help.

Let your anger out.
In a quest to save a relationship people who have been hurt often bend over backwards to please their betrayer. Why? Because when we have been betrayed or burned the person who hurts us has sent a clear message that on some level we don’t matter to them as much as they matter to us. In a rebound state of fear of loss this often translates in to the hurt party trying to earn back the other person’s good opinion. It is a knee-jerk reaction and always ends in resentment. The best way to start the healing process is to acknowledge that there has been pain, betrayal and a loss of trust. Once the cards are on the table everybody will have a clearer picture of what they need to do to set things right.

Resolve to let it out and then let it go.
Once you let your feelings out you need to let the incident go. This does not mean blind forgiveness, but there is an element of forgiveness involved in this step. If the person who hurt you apologizes and you accept then you need to never rehash the incident. Doing so will only bring back your anger and keep you in emotional limbo. Don’t bring it up as a weapon. Don’t hold it over the other person every time you feel wronged in the future. Acknowledge that it happened, make your feelings and expectations known, and then stop focusing on what damaged the trust and set your sights on rebuilding. You’re only human, you may slip and throw the incident in the face of your betrayer and if you do don’t beat yourself up over it, apologize and move on. While this step may seem like letting the person who hurt you get off easy in reality you are making things easier on your self by allowing yourself to be hurt and moving past it.

Know that things can never go back to the way they once were and keep your eyes wide open to future betrayals.
The sad reality is that once trust has been damaged it can’t simply go back to the way it once was, no matter how much both parties may want it to. People who do not value trust enough to respect it in the first place more often than not continue that pattern in the future. This doesn’t mean that it is a waste of time trying to rebuild trust it just means that the new trust has to be different. Call it a more mature trust. While trusting a person who has hurt you isn’t impossible it will never be the same kind of wide-eyed trust we give to people when we first let them in. This is not really a bad thing even though it may seem like a loss. Seeing people for who they really are rather than through rose-colored lenses can be a healthy thing. So when you decide to try to give trust a second chance just know that you will be more sensitive to the prospect of another betrayal and forgive yourself if doubt seeps in without real reason.

REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU

What are the top 10 reasons why you love your wife, husband, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend? Taking the time to give this careful consideration will enable you to have greater appreciation of your significant other. Something probably has already come into your mind, a significant reason why you love that special person in your life. Now, if your first thought was sexually related, then your first reason was a lust thought, not a love thought. Therefore you don't love your partner just infatuated.

I love you because you tend to my needs, you do things that touch my heart, you look after me, you are there for me, you give me love in so many ways is a reaction to love that is shown to you. It is great when the love is flowing back and forth in this manner, (circulating), however to say that you love someone based upon what they do for you all the time is rather self centered. You should not always have to have a reason to love your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. I love you because you love me is not an accurate reference point. The question is formulated for you to give the ten best reasons that you love someone, not the actual ways that they love you. I love you is an outward expression.

Here are some examples of a few reasons why you would love someone; I love you because I consider you to be a blessing in and to my life. I value you as in integral part of my life, you are my comforter, you are my friend, a companion, a confidant, and a partner. I love you because in my heart I desire to love you, I really want to, it brings me joy to love you. I love you because God brought us together through his infinite love for us. Our relationship is a catalyst for love, a place where love will grow through knowledge and understanding. The more I love you, the more we will connect together, the deeper our bonds will grow, we are better together. I love you because you need to be loved, I want to focus on your needs, not just mine.
The more you love someone, the more you will merge in unison. Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together. In relationship, your lives will compliment each others in and through love. When you are intentionally focusing on loving someone you will be rewarded by their happiness. You will know that you are showing or expressing love to someone else when you are sacrificing your desires and your time, for their desires and their time. Love says, "I love you because I care about you."

Take some time and deliberate this, look at it thoughtfully and cogitate it in deep thought. Ladies, what are the top ten reasons why you love your husband? Men, what are the best 10 reasons you have to love your spouse?

Trust In Your Relationship

Trust means to believe. I trust you, means I have no doubt in my mind about your honesty, integrity and credibility. No relationship can survive without trust. How to develop and keep the trust in a relationship forever, because as soon as the trust breaks, the relationship breaks. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built. If you don’t trust a person, howsoever you may love him/her, your relationship will not survive, because you have no trust in him/her.

Let us examine this little more. To begin with, every relationship begins with trust in each other. Without the initial trust, the relationship will not move in the beginning itself. In the beginning, one believes without much proof about the others character. It is love and some assessment of how trustworthy the person is. As the relationship grows, issues start forming because of doubts about whether the other person can be trusted? Was he/she trustworthy from the beginning or was I fooled? Or is he/she changing now? This kind of doubtful thinking causes tremendous strain in a relationship and with the breaking of trust, the relationship breaks.

How do you manage to build the trust in the earlier period is most important. The beginning can be very dangerous. What may arouse suspicion should be avoided at all the costs. If you have a suspicious partner, you need to be more careful. Small things such as if you are going out, inform where you are going and to meet whom? If there is a change in your mood, talk to your partner and talk about the reasons. If you are facing work issues, rather than hiding them, tell them to your partner and seek support. Many a times, you will behave differently when you face career issues and that may make your partner think about all types of possibilities. Be open about everything. Your words and body language should be synchronous at all the times. Inform about everything and if not fully possible assure your partner that things are going differently and you are under pressure. Be open. Seek trust and you will get it.

Your relationship is what you make it

If you had total control of your relationship what would be happening right now? Now ask yourself, 'Why isn't this happening?'

understand how you feel...

Let down, betrayed, sad...

Was life meant to be this hard... were relationships meant to be this much work?

This has got to be one of the harshest and most sincere statements about life, living and being with someone special:

You will only get out of the relationship what you honestly put into it.

You might want to read that again, slower this time:

You will only get out of the relationship what you honestly put into it.

If you are expecting some type of golden cup because you can deal with the drinking all the time, with your partner spending a lot of their time with friends... if you think that your relationship would be better if only you'd give in more to what they want...

Well, you already know that this just isn't going to happen.

You will get a reward if you can find ways to COMMUNICATE with your partner.

Stop trying to live inside only their world and try harder to bring your worlds together.

A relationship that does not have true, honest and open communication is built on a pile of sand that any simple breeze can destroy.

There is no need for arguments.

There is no need for condescension or begging to talk to them.

There is no need for hurt.

And I want you to find the way out of what you may feel right now... a way to improve rather that accuse.

I want you to love rather that just "live"... you know what I mean.

It may not be much, the relationship you have, but it is worth fighting for.

The love you hold (or held once) can be re-sparked... you just need to give yourself another chance to understand what the basis of your relationship is.

Questions to answer:

How did you first meet?

What "swept you away"?

What was it that made your life feel so great?

What was the turning point that made life feel so dark?

What would it take to make everything better?

Troublesome, probing questions right???

And the worse part is, only you have the answers.

But there is good news... there are guideposts along this rough terrain of relationship alley.

And what I have read I want to share with you. Here.

I have no fear understanding that I am in control of my own actions and reactions that build or break my relationship.

I can accept my own faults, identify them and work to improve myself to make sure that they do not get in the way of the great relationship I want to have with my spouse/partner.

I can identify the faults I see in my spouse/partner and find a good time, and an approachable way, to discuss these things that are hard for me to accept about them.

I agree that I have only the control over my own life that I ALLOW myself to have.

And I will remain true to my own belief system, that I will not lie to myself about my relationship.

That I have the power to make things better and the wisdom to know when to let go of the "dream" to make things better.

And I will listen to the advice of those that have traveled this hard relationship path before me... and I will talk of my experiences when others need help.

How To Cope with Unreturned Love

Sometimes the person you're in love with doesn't love you back. Believe it or not, it happens to almost everybody. I have experienced it a couple of times and God forgive me, am also guilty of this crime. In any case, unrequited love is painful, especially if the two of you had been all lovey dovey. It can even feel like torture. Now how do you make the best of such a situation?

• Limit the amount of time you spend with the person who doesn't love you. If you can, don't see them for a while.
• Come to terms with the fact that they don't share your romantic feelings. You need to accept that it's just not meant to be so you can move on with your life.
• Stay busy. Take up a new hobby such as reading, going to the movies or even shopping (when I upset or feel hurt shopping for anything relieves me). Start a sports or work your frustrations out through exercise. It doesn't matter whether it's running, swimming or skipping: Find something you like and commit yourself to it. Both your body and your heart will feel better.
• Surround yourself with those who do love you. This could be your parents, siblings, relatives. Don't be afraid to ask them for a little bit of extra moral support.
• Hang around with friends who make you laugh. Chances are, at least one of your friends is brilliant at getting your mind off of the person who's causing you pain. Let them help you not take life too seriously.
• Take some time each day to focus on a few of your good qualities, those attributes that would make any man or woman want to be with you. Remind yourself that you're a great person even if someone out there doesn't like you in a romantic way. Think about what other qualities you'd like to have -- more confidence, better taste in whatever, patience, a listening ear, etc. -- and set some goals about attaining them.
• Remind yourself that it would not be any fun to be with someone who didn't feel as strongly about you as you did about them. Think about what love should be like and notice how equality plays a big part. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated!
• Remember another emotionally difficult situation you've been through and how you got through it. Adopt some of the strategies you used in that situation to help you heal from this heartbreak.
• Take a little time to nurture yourself, whether it's with a few good books or movies, some extra time with friends or simply getting a bit more sleep.
• When you're ready, start hanging out with other people you'd consider dating. Give yourself the chance to fall in love again and you undoubtedly will.

Are you fit to love?

This is the most important question you’ll ever ask yourself. I asked myself this question when recently my love life was heading towards a break up and I was astonished as to how and why, considering the fact that I write and teach on love, relationship and dating and I could barely hold mine together. But then let’s face it, our relationships are extremely important. Yet, often they are the cause of pain and struggle. Single or not, societal standards convince us that we can have it all. Much of the available relationship advice (including mine) compels us to go after everything we want. Sadly, for many it is not working. Climbing divorce rates and more singles seeking love are proof that our attitudes are counterproductive.

Our expectations have become highly unrealistic. Rarely do we look in the mirror and ask: Am I fit to love? Today's relationships are failing because of deterioration of CHARACTER. It is time we made a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship strategies.

Great relationships require great characters. We simply must become better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a powerful wake-up call for the brave. It will dramatically improve our relationships or our chances of finding love.

The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. They are heavily invested in their most valuable asset: their relationship and have an abundance of life’s most precious commodity: love. They all have one thing in common: they are fit to love. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are three basic principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity and here is what it means:

Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you.
Our partner’s dreams and hopes are as important as our own. This principle requires us to think of our partner as our equal.

Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives. Lovers argue over who is right, instead solving the issue in their mutual best interest. The struggle over unresolved issues leads to resentment even when there is love. Love and respect take a backseat and the relationship deteriorates. This dangerous game is the reason why many relationships fail, when they shouldn’t. Instead of trying to change each other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is just as important. In grabbing hold of our partner’s beliefs we show that we respect our partner. If conflict arises and we cannot agree, we should simply agree to disagree and continue to talk with respect. Without mutual respect, it is impossible to create loving relationships.

Moral Responsibility: You are always morally responsible to those with whom you have relationships.
We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else. We seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless of how often we have heard that we are not responsible for our partner’s happiness, we are still responsible for his or her well-being. Love is a moral responsibility to another person. We blame our partners if things do not work out without looking in the mirror to see our own flaws. Yet, everything we think, say or do affects those we love.

Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer could barley wait to share the details about her affair with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed her so-called inattentive husband, Paul. It was a strange twist of fate that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every word his wife said. From here on life took a different turn. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul and lost the respect of Sally. This is a high price to pay for moments of sex.
In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere.

Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real
Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did? Agreed with your partner’s opinion even though you didn’t share it or said: “I love you” when you didn’t mean it. Did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just to please someone or to get what you wanted? Of course we all have. We have lost the bravery to be real!

For many there is quite a gap between the inside and the person they present to the world.

To be accepted we often compromise who we are. Conditioned by our environment we have become products of the culture we live in. No matter how good we are at playing roles eventually our truth emerges. Being fit to love means being real. When we are authentic our relationships become real and we never have to doubt them.

Regardless of the state of our relationships or how unsuccessfully we have tried to find love we have the power to radically change today. Mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity are key to exceptional relationships. People in exceptional relationships are fit to love and in the process they reap some profound rewards:
• They live much happier lives
• They cope far better with stress
• They have better sex more often
• They laugh more often and have more fun
• They are healthier and live longer
• They are more optimistic
• They feel more secure and stable
No wonder we envy these people. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty their relationships are like rock-solid anchors.

Just plain jealousy

Perhaps the majority of us fall under this category. We are afraid our partner will find someone prettier (or more handsome), smarter, richer, or just plain better. This is the heart of jealousy, our own insecurities. The tips below may help you overcome this type of jealousy.

Look at the reasons you are jealous. Do you find that they are because your partner does things that encourage you to feel that way? Do the feelings come from an old relationship where you were cheated on? Do you feel that eventually everyone will cheat on you? Perhaps it is because your partner isn't giving you enough attention? Take the time to analyze why you feel like you do. If you find it is something your partner is or is not doing, then have a serious discussion with them about the way you feel and why. If you find that the feelings come mostly from inside yourself, then here are a few suggestions for easing them:
• Always remember that unless you have a good reason to be jealous, you should not harp on your partner. If the feelings are very strong that your partner is cheating but you have no proof, then there are trust issues in the relationship and whether your partner is or isn't, until trust can be found, jealousy will exist. On the other hand, if the feeling just comes from seeing your partner glance at another person, or they have attractive co-workers, then you need to remind yourself that they CHOSE you. Don't make them sorry by constantly harassing them. Obviously they found something in you that appeals to them and unless you push them away, they will probably continue to love you for you.

Jealousy

Jealousy, most of us feel it at some time or other. Some people experience it more strongly than others and some even let jealousy consume them. Sometimes the feeling is justified and at other times it isn't. It's an ugly emotion, both for the one feeling it and for the person at the other end. So how do we know how much is too much and when it is appropriate to feel jealousy at all?

If you are in a relationship with someone who is very jealous, you find that along with the jealousy usually comes control. When someone is extremely jealous they tend to want to control what you do, where you go, and who you see. Sometimes extreme jealousy can also lead to violence. If you are in a relationship where there is violence, read no further, it's time to end it. If you are in love with the person and don't want to let go, believe me when I say it is necessary. They will not stop without motivation. You can leave and let the person know that after a suitable amount of counseling and time, you will consider reconciliation.

Succeeding in Relationships

Building a good relationship/marriage is like building a wall: it’s done brick by brick. And the mortar that holds it together is unconditional, un-condemning, unselfish love. The only way you’ll know how good a job you’ve done is when it’s tested by the storms of life. “One” of the most important keys to succeeding in relationship is communication. So:
• Become creative: spend time together. Call your partner during the day and try to meet sometimes for lunch. Communication can happen anywhere, but it won’t happen unless you make it a priority.
• Identify communication killers. Internet (facebook), cell phones (blackberry users), TV (series addicts) are the chief culprits. The average couple spends less than three hours a week in ‘meaningful’ communication; they spend five times more on other stuff.
• Encourage every member to speak their mind. And when they do, don’t criticize or retaliate. Differences of opinion are healthy. Handled right, they can make things better.
• Be conscious of how you interact with your partner. You may have unwittingly adopted a style that stifles communication. Stop and consider; do you: a) retaliate- that has a degrading effect b) dominate- that has an intimidating effect c) Isolate- that has a frustrating effect d) cooperate- that has an encouraging effect. If you’re in the habit of using any communication style other than a cooperative one, start working immediately to change it. You’ll have, if you want to build a good relationship with your family.

Thank You!

What does love mean to You?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.