Relationship Compartability

Many people erroneously believe that "opposites attract", and seek a partner with interests opposite to their own under the illusion that this is a good way to form an enduring bond. Partners, who get caught in this lie, often suffer painful consequences. While it is true that opposites do attract sometimes, this attraction usually doesn't hold up to the reality of everyday life and commitment.

Incompatibility remains the strongest factor contributing to breakup. Psychologists have discovered that there are certain types of incompatible relationships that are doomed to fail from the start. We call these Incompatible Relationships.

Incompatible relationships
People should be warned of the dangers of dating someone with vast differences. The following is a summary of the five most common incompatible types of relationships.

1. The Missionary Relationship
In the missionary relationship one partner is trying to convert the other person to the faith. The common denominator of the missionary relationship is the need to justify the relationship on evangelistic grounds. For starters, how ludicrous to think that you can establish a healthy bond with someone on the basis of a hidden agenda! Unsurprisingly, after hanging on to these dead-end relationships, it's even more difficult to break it off in the end. The bottom line is that when there is spiritual or religious incompatibility - get out. It's too difficult to judge the sincerity of one's spiritual quest, when the emotions of love and romance are involved. The sacrifice is usually unjustified. Missionary relationships simply don't work.

2. Sacrificial Relationship
Some women tragically apply the mission of falling for men who are emotionally "sick and dying" for their love lives. Against all odds, they attempt to love, comfort, and take care of their lovers, hoping to nurture them back to emotional health. It reminds me of a children’s game -one is the nurse, and the other is the patient. If you have a tendency to hang on to needy people in order to "love" them to health, then you need to ask yourself why. Why do you have this unquenchable need to be needed? You are called to be an equal partner in a relationship, not a shrink, surrogate parent, missionary, or nurse. Sacrificial relationships may seem exciting and challenging at first, but they usually end in disillusionment. If this describes you, you need remedial work - get a life!

3. The Exotic Relationship
When two people from radically different cultural or ethnic backgrounds get together it’s called an Exotic relationship. At the beginning you might be intrigued by the accent, cultural differences, and mysterious demeanor of the other person. The relationship can be based on the allure of being with someone completely different in so many ways. Sure, exotic relationships are exciting and adventurous, but they're extremely impractical. Under the best of circumstances, dating and marriage are difficult and challenging. Before you invest time, energy, and money into an exotic relationship, consider the fact that the odds of this kind of relationship actually making it one in a million.

4. “Unequally aged” Relationship
The hallmark of the unequally aged relationship is the considerable age gap between partners. If you find yourself saying, "Yes, sir" to your partner, then you may be in this particular type of relationships. If your partner is still telling you stories about the "good old days" in the fifties, then this is your case. These types are usually trying to compensate for emotional insecurity, or expecting their partner to fill in for Mom or Dad. Regardless of the psychological reasons behind this trend, in most cases this substantial age difference is another example of incompatible relationships.

Unequally aged relationships provide a sense of emotional or financial security at their early stage, but eventually they hit several snags of incompatibility. Energy levels can be drastically different. Cultural connecting points such as movies, historical events, music, and past trends will also be different. These things may seem trivial, but they are extremely important when you are seeking to build a long-lasting bond.

5. Rebellious Relationship
The first sign of this kind of relationship is the need to date some¬one purely out of your ‘caste’. Rebellious relationship daters choose a partner, who is exactly the opposite of everything their families would want for them. Most of the time, people engaged in this kind of relationship, are merely angry with their parents or attempting to define them¬selves as a way to establish a sense of independence. However, there are more constructive ways to deal with anger or establish independence – understanding, forgiveness and maturity. Save yourself the pain and embarrassment by staying clear of any kind of rebellious relationship.

Compatible relationships
A relationship, by definition, is the connecting of people. Therefore, to have a successful relationship with the opposite sex you must connect on many levels. This is what is called Compatible Relationships. Example below shows that in order to truly connect with another person, you must be compatible on three general levels: spiritual, physical, and social.

1. The Spiritual Connection
If you cannot connect with your partner on a spiritual level, your relationship is headed for disaster. What you believe about God, how you pray, which holidays you celebrate, which books you hold to be sacred, and your opinion on baptism are just a few components that make up your spiritual belief system. When you don't see eye to eye with your partner in these areas, then you are compromising something that is deeply ingrained in you. Your spirituality and how that is expressed is the most intense and intimate part of you. Tremendous heartache and frustration will occur, when two people are unable to connect and share this most intimate part of their lives.

2. The Physical Connection
Being sexually attracted to your partner is a prerequisite for a healthy relation¬ship. Having a spiritual connection is not enough. You must have that spark, that chemistry, that attraction that draws you to the person like a magnet. There must be "some¬thing" in the way that person looks, moves, laughs, speaks, or smiles; something that compels you to want to be with him or her. All great relationships have some element of chemistry, and you either have it or you don't.

3. The Social Connection
Some people often neglect social compatibility, though this very area creates lots of stresses on relationships. Social compatibility primarily concerns family patterns and social relating.
The old saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," usually holds true. Who you are, and many of your life perspectives stem directly from your family upbringing. If you grew up in a home in which you received love, support, encouragement and security from your parents, then you probably have a good foundation for building a happy family. If you didn't grow up in such an environment, then you would have to work harder to develop a strong bond. Some of the important issues associated with family background are holiday customs, family rules, finances, domestic responsibilities, and rearing children.

The other area of connecting at the social level deals with patterns of relating. This dimension of a relationship covers a wide variety of concerns, including social skills, communication style, and intellectual compatibility.

What does it mean to be compatible? Well, similarities between people make life together much simpler. Being together involves compromise, and people can reach these compromises more easily when they share common values and interests. Sure, sometimes opposites can attract, but for a stable relationship bet on similarity.

Home Alone for the Holidays???

Christmas, they tell us, is ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. What are we supposed to do when it isn’t? As the cards and carols like to remind us, Christmas is a time for families and togetherness, peace and well being for all. If only the problems in life paid more attention to the songs on the radio. If only it was that easy.

If you find yourself facing Christmas alone, December can be the longest month of all. Whether you’re single or divorced, your spouse is on deployment, or there has been a death in the family, it’s easy to want to echo and shout — “I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!” But going into hibernation for a month isn’t a realistic plan for most of us. Christmas is coming, with or without our permission. So how do you face the season when it doesn’t look the way it used to?

If you’re not going to be surrounded by family this year you can still celebrate Christmas. With a little planning, it can be a wonderful time of year.

1. Decorate the house. Even if you’re the only one who’s going to see it, take the time to decorate your home. You don’t have to put everything up, or drag all the boxes out of the basement. It doesn’t have to look just last like year. Put up a Christmas tree or hang some lights. Bring some Christmas into your line of sight, even if it’s just something small. One of the hardest things about spending Christmas alone is the feeling that everyone else is having a great time and you’ve been excluded. Make sure you’re not excluding yourself.
2. Plan something special. There’s nothing worse than hearing everyone else’s excitement over the upcoming holidays and having nothing to look forward to yourself. If you haven’t got big plans for the next couple of weeks, now is the time to fix that. Plan a treat for yourself, something really special. Not only will it add to your holiday, but it’ll give you a great answer to that dreaded question “so what are you doing for Christmas?”
3. Be around other people. Sitting around the house by yourself on Christmas Day is incredibly hard. Find people to be with. If you have friends that are alone this Christmas, host a dinner at your house. If you’d like to help out somewhere there are always parties and charities that need people on Christmas Day. Whatever you decide to do make sure you have someone to say “Merry Christmas” to.
4. Give yourself some quiet time. Sometimes the reason we’re alone at Christmas is a sad one. If this is you this season, give yourself the time and the permission to feel sad. Scale back on your activities. If there are some traditions you cannot face this year, politely excuse yourself. Christmas has a way of turning the world into fantasy where everyone is supposed to be happy and everything is wonderful. Resist the urge to fake a smile all through the month of December.

It can be tempting to skip the season altogether, to say “there will be no Christmas in this house this year”. I urge you not to do that. Christmas gets all glammed up, but at the heart of it all, it celebrates a very quiet moment. You can pass up on the extras of Christmas, but don’t miss the promise of the season.

Christmas began with a little baby in a stable. It started with two parents who were tired from a long journey and caught off guard that the baby would choose this particular moment to be born. It wasn’t glamorous, and it wasn’t shiny but it did mark the moment that hope came to the world. (If you’re rusty on the details, you can read the Christmas story from the book of Luke.)

Whatever your circumstances this December, remember that what we’re celebrating here is hope. If you’re not able to wrap your arms around the noise of the season, then just wrap your fingers around that simple truth. Christmas is Christmas because Jesus came down. He came so that whatever we’ve done and whatever has been done to us can be redeemed. He came to pick up the pieces — or as it says in the Bible, he came “to make all things new”.

Are you in Love Online???

How do I really know if they are telling the truth about ... With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with a honest person.

1. Listen To Them! I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain rigid, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!

2. Does it Make Sense? What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that will prevent this person from being able to meet me?". Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers). Call when they aren't expecting your call - Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.

3. Current Photos! With the issues of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual appearance clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we accomplish the goal of finding out what someone truly looks like? I won't begin to discuss the issues surrounding why appearance is so important.. suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your true appearance - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about their appearance. The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this, they will make every effort to change their appearance, to make themselves look more like they said they looked. Of course, this is ridiculous on it's surface as change in appearance, depending on what those changes are, can take a long time, cost a fortune, or just not be feasible or possible, and people who haven't started to make these changes aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial change to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a different story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize! There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet".. Let's be real here. Any cafe in this day and age does photo scanning. No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking a 7year old to take my picture, handing him my Blackberry. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss! If anyone has any better ideas as to how to establish how "Current" the photograph is, PLEASE E-Mail Mewith your suggestions.

4. The Scammers! When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you can do for them or what they can take from you. Too bad they're there - until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it? The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in the olden days people met, fell in love and married that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later. The fact is - "LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending "considerable" time in getting to know them. I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But the "connection" between two people who have not met, or have spoken for less than a month online is not. Why the rush to love? These people aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you they love you within the first week or so of knowing you online is a liar!. There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life, told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your feelings and theirs. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person.

5. Why Meet Soon? Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful! When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find disappointment and deception on the other end. 6. Summing Up In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if people are honest. They include 1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or aspects about them that sound "iffy" or rigid. Press them for details and stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details! 2. Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay attention to! 3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with you almost immediately - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever.. TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway! 4. Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why... You can be sorry for something you didn't do for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.

Betrayal of Trust

How to let go and move on when someone you trusted burns you bad.

No matter the type of relationship, be it romantic, friendly, or between parent and child, an essential ingredient is trust. Trust defines every interaction in a relationship, it builds intimacy and it strengthens bonds. Without trust no relationship can thrive. Unfortunately people don’t always cherish trust the way that they should. Because it is often given freely at first it is also easily taken for granted. When trust has been damaged it can spell doom for a relationship and it can be very hard, if not impossible, to earn back.
Whether or not trust can ever be restored depends on how badly it was damaged and how much the spurned person feels betrayed. If you’ve had your trust betrayed then you know how hard it can be to let go, move on and fix the relationship. More often than not the burned person just wants to cut their losses and end the relationship, and who could blame them? But if you do want to repair the damage, if you want to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust, there are some steps you need to follow. While the person who damaged the trust has their work cut out for them in earning it back the person who was hurt also has a job to do. So how do you move past a major burn and put things back on track? It’s hard but it can be done and these three pointers can help.

Let your anger out.
In a quest to save a relationship people who have been hurt often bend over backwards to please their betrayer. Why? Because when we have been betrayed or burned the person who hurts us has sent a clear message that on some level we don’t matter to them as much as they matter to us. In a rebound state of fear of loss this often translates in to the hurt party trying to earn back the other person’s good opinion. It is a knee-jerk reaction and always ends in resentment. The best way to start the healing process is to acknowledge that there has been pain, betrayal and a loss of trust. Once the cards are on the table everybody will have a clearer picture of what they need to do to set things right.

Resolve to let it out and then let it go.
Once you let your feelings out you need to let the incident go. This does not mean blind forgiveness, but there is an element of forgiveness involved in this step. If the person who hurt you apologizes and you accept then you need to never rehash the incident. Doing so will only bring back your anger and keep you in emotional limbo. Don’t bring it up as a weapon. Don’t hold it over the other person every time you feel wronged in the future. Acknowledge that it happened, make your feelings and expectations known, and then stop focusing on what damaged the trust and set your sights on rebuilding. You’re only human, you may slip and throw the incident in the face of your betrayer and if you do don’t beat yourself up over it, apologize and move on. While this step may seem like letting the person who hurt you get off easy in reality you are making things easier on your self by allowing yourself to be hurt and moving past it.

Know that things can never go back to the way they once were and keep your eyes wide open to future betrayals.
The sad reality is that once trust has been damaged it can’t simply go back to the way it once was, no matter how much both parties may want it to. People who do not value trust enough to respect it in the first place more often than not continue that pattern in the future. This doesn’t mean that it is a waste of time trying to rebuild trust it just means that the new trust has to be different. Call it a more mature trust. While trusting a person who has hurt you isn’t impossible it will never be the same kind of wide-eyed trust we give to people when we first let them in. This is not really a bad thing even though it may seem like a loss. Seeing people for who they really are rather than through rose-colored lenses can be a healthy thing. So when you decide to try to give trust a second chance just know that you will be more sensitive to the prospect of another betrayal and forgive yourself if doubt seeps in without real reason.

REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU

What are the top 10 reasons why you love your wife, husband, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend? Taking the time to give this careful consideration will enable you to have greater appreciation of your significant other. Something probably has already come into your mind, a significant reason why you love that special person in your life. Now, if your first thought was sexually related, then your first reason was a lust thought, not a love thought. Therefore you don't love your partner just infatuated.

I love you because you tend to my needs, you do things that touch my heart, you look after me, you are there for me, you give me love in so many ways is a reaction to love that is shown to you. It is great when the love is flowing back and forth in this manner, (circulating), however to say that you love someone based upon what they do for you all the time is rather self centered. You should not always have to have a reason to love your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. I love you because you love me is not an accurate reference point. The question is formulated for you to give the ten best reasons that you love someone, not the actual ways that they love you. I love you is an outward expression.

Here are some examples of a few reasons why you would love someone; I love you because I consider you to be a blessing in and to my life. I value you as in integral part of my life, you are my comforter, you are my friend, a companion, a confidant, and a partner. I love you because in my heart I desire to love you, I really want to, it brings me joy to love you. I love you because God brought us together through his infinite love for us. Our relationship is a catalyst for love, a place where love will grow through knowledge and understanding. The more I love you, the more we will connect together, the deeper our bonds will grow, we are better together. I love you because you need to be loved, I want to focus on your needs, not just mine.
The more you love someone, the more you will merge in unison. Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together. In relationship, your lives will compliment each others in and through love. When you are intentionally focusing on loving someone you will be rewarded by their happiness. You will know that you are showing or expressing love to someone else when you are sacrificing your desires and your time, for their desires and their time. Love says, "I love you because I care about you."

Take some time and deliberate this, look at it thoughtfully and cogitate it in deep thought. Ladies, what are the top ten reasons why you love your husband? Men, what are the best 10 reasons you have to love your spouse?

Trust In Your Relationship

Trust means to believe. I trust you, means I have no doubt in my mind about your honesty, integrity and credibility. No relationship can survive without trust. How to develop and keep the trust in a relationship forever, because as soon as the trust breaks, the relationship breaks. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built. If you don’t trust a person, howsoever you may love him/her, your relationship will not survive, because you have no trust in him/her.

Let us examine this little more. To begin with, every relationship begins with trust in each other. Without the initial trust, the relationship will not move in the beginning itself. In the beginning, one believes without much proof about the others character. It is love and some assessment of how trustworthy the person is. As the relationship grows, issues start forming because of doubts about whether the other person can be trusted? Was he/she trustworthy from the beginning or was I fooled? Or is he/she changing now? This kind of doubtful thinking causes tremendous strain in a relationship and with the breaking of trust, the relationship breaks.

How do you manage to build the trust in the earlier period is most important. The beginning can be very dangerous. What may arouse suspicion should be avoided at all the costs. If you have a suspicious partner, you need to be more careful. Small things such as if you are going out, inform where you are going and to meet whom? If there is a change in your mood, talk to your partner and talk about the reasons. If you are facing work issues, rather than hiding them, tell them to your partner and seek support. Many a times, you will behave differently when you face career issues and that may make your partner think about all types of possibilities. Be open about everything. Your words and body language should be synchronous at all the times. Inform about everything and if not fully possible assure your partner that things are going differently and you are under pressure. Be open. Seek trust and you will get it.

Your relationship is what you make it

If you had total control of your relationship what would be happening right now? Now ask yourself, 'Why isn't this happening?'

understand how you feel...

Let down, betrayed, sad...

Was life meant to be this hard... were relationships meant to be this much work?

This has got to be one of the harshest and most sincere statements about life, living and being with someone special:

You will only get out of the relationship what you honestly put into it.

You might want to read that again, slower this time:

You will only get out of the relationship what you honestly put into it.

If you are expecting some type of golden cup because you can deal with the drinking all the time, with your partner spending a lot of their time with friends... if you think that your relationship would be better if only you'd give in more to what they want...

Well, you already know that this just isn't going to happen.

You will get a reward if you can find ways to COMMUNICATE with your partner.

Stop trying to live inside only their world and try harder to bring your worlds together.

A relationship that does not have true, honest and open communication is built on a pile of sand that any simple breeze can destroy.

There is no need for arguments.

There is no need for condescension or begging to talk to them.

There is no need for hurt.

And I want you to find the way out of what you may feel right now... a way to improve rather that accuse.

I want you to love rather that just "live"... you know what I mean.

It may not be much, the relationship you have, but it is worth fighting for.

The love you hold (or held once) can be re-sparked... you just need to give yourself another chance to understand what the basis of your relationship is.

Questions to answer:

How did you first meet?

What "swept you away"?

What was it that made your life feel so great?

What was the turning point that made life feel so dark?

What would it take to make everything better?

Troublesome, probing questions right???

And the worse part is, only you have the answers.

But there is good news... there are guideposts along this rough terrain of relationship alley.

And what I have read I want to share with you. Here.

I have no fear understanding that I am in control of my own actions and reactions that build or break my relationship.

I can accept my own faults, identify them and work to improve myself to make sure that they do not get in the way of the great relationship I want to have with my spouse/partner.

I can identify the faults I see in my spouse/partner and find a good time, and an approachable way, to discuss these things that are hard for me to accept about them.

I agree that I have only the control over my own life that I ALLOW myself to have.

And I will remain true to my own belief system, that I will not lie to myself about my relationship.

That I have the power to make things better and the wisdom to know when to let go of the "dream" to make things better.

And I will listen to the advice of those that have traveled this hard relationship path before me... and I will talk of my experiences when others need help.

How To Cope with Unreturned Love

Sometimes the person you're in love with doesn't love you back. Believe it or not, it happens to almost everybody. I have experienced it a couple of times and God forgive me, am also guilty of this crime. In any case, unrequited love is painful, especially if the two of you had been all lovey dovey. It can even feel like torture. Now how do you make the best of such a situation?

• Limit the amount of time you spend with the person who doesn't love you. If you can, don't see them for a while.
• Come to terms with the fact that they don't share your romantic feelings. You need to accept that it's just not meant to be so you can move on with your life.
• Stay busy. Take up a new hobby such as reading, going to the movies or even shopping (when I upset or feel hurt shopping for anything relieves me). Start a sports or work your frustrations out through exercise. It doesn't matter whether it's running, swimming or skipping: Find something you like and commit yourself to it. Both your body and your heart will feel better.
• Surround yourself with those who do love you. This could be your parents, siblings, relatives. Don't be afraid to ask them for a little bit of extra moral support.
• Hang around with friends who make you laugh. Chances are, at least one of your friends is brilliant at getting your mind off of the person who's causing you pain. Let them help you not take life too seriously.
• Take some time each day to focus on a few of your good qualities, those attributes that would make any man or woman want to be with you. Remind yourself that you're a great person even if someone out there doesn't like you in a romantic way. Think about what other qualities you'd like to have -- more confidence, better taste in whatever, patience, a listening ear, etc. -- and set some goals about attaining them.
• Remind yourself that it would not be any fun to be with someone who didn't feel as strongly about you as you did about them. Think about what love should be like and notice how equality plays a big part. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated!
• Remember another emotionally difficult situation you've been through and how you got through it. Adopt some of the strategies you used in that situation to help you heal from this heartbreak.
• Take a little time to nurture yourself, whether it's with a few good books or movies, some extra time with friends or simply getting a bit more sleep.
• When you're ready, start hanging out with other people you'd consider dating. Give yourself the chance to fall in love again and you undoubtedly will.

Are you fit to love?

This is the most important question you’ll ever ask yourself. I asked myself this question when recently my love life was heading towards a break up and I was astonished as to how and why, considering the fact that I write and teach on love, relationship and dating and I could barely hold mine together. But then let’s face it, our relationships are extremely important. Yet, often they are the cause of pain and struggle. Single or not, societal standards convince us that we can have it all. Much of the available relationship advice (including mine) compels us to go after everything we want. Sadly, for many it is not working. Climbing divorce rates and more singles seeking love are proof that our attitudes are counterproductive.

Our expectations have become highly unrealistic. Rarely do we look in the mirror and ask: Am I fit to love? Today's relationships are failing because of deterioration of CHARACTER. It is time we made a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship strategies.

Great relationships require great characters. We simply must become better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a powerful wake-up call for the brave. It will dramatically improve our relationships or our chances of finding love.

The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. They are heavily invested in their most valuable asset: their relationship and have an abundance of life’s most precious commodity: love. They all have one thing in common: they are fit to love. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are three basic principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity and here is what it means:

Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you.
Our partner’s dreams and hopes are as important as our own. This principle requires us to think of our partner as our equal.

Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives. Lovers argue over who is right, instead solving the issue in their mutual best interest. The struggle over unresolved issues leads to resentment even when there is love. Love and respect take a backseat and the relationship deteriorates. This dangerous game is the reason why many relationships fail, when they shouldn’t. Instead of trying to change each other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is just as important. In grabbing hold of our partner’s beliefs we show that we respect our partner. If conflict arises and we cannot agree, we should simply agree to disagree and continue to talk with respect. Without mutual respect, it is impossible to create loving relationships.

Moral Responsibility: You are always morally responsible to those with whom you have relationships.
We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else. We seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless of how often we have heard that we are not responsible for our partner’s happiness, we are still responsible for his or her well-being. Love is a moral responsibility to another person. We blame our partners if things do not work out without looking in the mirror to see our own flaws. Yet, everything we think, say or do affects those we love.

Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer could barley wait to share the details about her affair with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed her so-called inattentive husband, Paul. It was a strange twist of fate that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every word his wife said. From here on life took a different turn. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul and lost the respect of Sally. This is a high price to pay for moments of sex.
In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere.

Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real
Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did? Agreed with your partner’s opinion even though you didn’t share it or said: “I love you” when you didn’t mean it. Did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just to please someone or to get what you wanted? Of course we all have. We have lost the bravery to be real!

For many there is quite a gap between the inside and the person they present to the world.

To be accepted we often compromise who we are. Conditioned by our environment we have become products of the culture we live in. No matter how good we are at playing roles eventually our truth emerges. Being fit to love means being real. When we are authentic our relationships become real and we never have to doubt them.

Regardless of the state of our relationships or how unsuccessfully we have tried to find love we have the power to radically change today. Mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity are key to exceptional relationships. People in exceptional relationships are fit to love and in the process they reap some profound rewards:
• They live much happier lives
• They cope far better with stress
• They have better sex more often
• They laugh more often and have more fun
• They are healthier and live longer
• They are more optimistic
• They feel more secure and stable
No wonder we envy these people. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty their relationships are like rock-solid anchors.

Just plain jealousy

Perhaps the majority of us fall under this category. We are afraid our partner will find someone prettier (or more handsome), smarter, richer, or just plain better. This is the heart of jealousy, our own insecurities. The tips below may help you overcome this type of jealousy.

Look at the reasons you are jealous. Do you find that they are because your partner does things that encourage you to feel that way? Do the feelings come from an old relationship where you were cheated on? Do you feel that eventually everyone will cheat on you? Perhaps it is because your partner isn't giving you enough attention? Take the time to analyze why you feel like you do. If you find it is something your partner is or is not doing, then have a serious discussion with them about the way you feel and why. If you find that the feelings come mostly from inside yourself, then here are a few suggestions for easing them:
• Always remember that unless you have a good reason to be jealous, you should not harp on your partner. If the feelings are very strong that your partner is cheating but you have no proof, then there are trust issues in the relationship and whether your partner is or isn't, until trust can be found, jealousy will exist. On the other hand, if the feeling just comes from seeing your partner glance at another person, or they have attractive co-workers, then you need to remind yourself that they CHOSE you. Don't make them sorry by constantly harassing them. Obviously they found something in you that appeals to them and unless you push them away, they will probably continue to love you for you.

Jealousy

Jealousy, most of us feel it at some time or other. Some people experience it more strongly than others and some even let jealousy consume them. Sometimes the feeling is justified and at other times it isn't. It's an ugly emotion, both for the one feeling it and for the person at the other end. So how do we know how much is too much and when it is appropriate to feel jealousy at all?

If you are in a relationship with someone who is very jealous, you find that along with the jealousy usually comes control. When someone is extremely jealous they tend to want to control what you do, where you go, and who you see. Sometimes extreme jealousy can also lead to violence. If you are in a relationship where there is violence, read no further, it's time to end it. If you are in love with the person and don't want to let go, believe me when I say it is necessary. They will not stop without motivation. You can leave and let the person know that after a suitable amount of counseling and time, you will consider reconciliation.

Succeeding in Relationships

Building a good relationship/marriage is like building a wall: it’s done brick by brick. And the mortar that holds it together is unconditional, un-condemning, unselfish love. The only way you’ll know how good a job you’ve done is when it’s tested by the storms of life. “One” of the most important keys to succeeding in relationship is communication. So:
• Become creative: spend time together. Call your partner during the day and try to meet sometimes for lunch. Communication can happen anywhere, but it won’t happen unless you make it a priority.
• Identify communication killers. Internet (facebook), cell phones (blackberry users), TV (series addicts) are the chief culprits. The average couple spends less than three hours a week in ‘meaningful’ communication; they spend five times more on other stuff.
• Encourage every member to speak their mind. And when they do, don’t criticize or retaliate. Differences of opinion are healthy. Handled right, they can make things better.
• Be conscious of how you interact with your partner. You may have unwittingly adopted a style that stifles communication. Stop and consider; do you: a) retaliate- that has a degrading effect b) dominate- that has an intimidating effect c) Isolate- that has a frustrating effect d) cooperate- that has an encouraging effect. If you’re in the habit of using any communication style other than a cooperative one, start working immediately to change it. You’ll have, if you want to build a good relationship with your family.

Thank You!

What does love mean to You?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.